Today I saw the movie, "The Women," with its all-star cast of Meg Ryan, Annette Benning, Jada Pinkett-Smith, Debra Messing and Eva Mendes. In this post-Sex in the City era where movies and television shows centering on fabulous high powered New York women are running rampant, I was particularly pleased with this one. This movie certainly had its flaws, like type-casting Eva Mendes as the hot latina mami who wrecks the marriage of sweet, blonde goodie two-shoes housewife Meg Ryan. But unlike the Sex in the City movie, and the tv dramas Lipstick Jungle and Cashmere Mafia, there seemed to be some genuineness or authenticity in the treatment of the relationships between the women and their men, the women and eachother, and the women and themselves, that I haven't yet witnessed in the others.
The movie seriously got me to thinking about the relationships in my own life, especially given the major changes that have occured over the past year. Akin to these movies, I regard myself as a fabulous New York City woman (though not yet high powered and certainly not wealthy enough to buy Manolo's when I want them or to go into Saks and get a manicure). It is in New York City that I came of age affirming both who I am and who I want to be. And in the time that I spent there I met several women as fantastic and ambitious as myself, forming strong friendships that got me through the best and worst of that self discovery.
Yet graduating from school, moving away, and pursuing various interests has put a serious strain on some of these friendships. Priorities have shifted and circumstances have revealed people's true colors. It has all left me wondering if it is really possible to be best friends forever?? I know that it takes a naive woman to think that love is all it takes to make a relationship to work with a man. But was I naive enough to think that love was all it would take to stay close with my girl friends?
I've come to a point where I feel that I can not compromise myself or my beliefs to maintain a relationship. Moreover, I refuse to feel that I'm the only one really in it. If it feels like I'm the only one out there, ready to be there for you whenever you need, then I can't leave myself hanging. I have to pull back.
"The Women" made me sad because I miss my best friends. Those who are physically just not with me any more, and those who are estranged. I miss us, in NYC, being who we are. But I also realize that I can not live in the past, and I am looking forward to a new future with my women. The movie also left me feeling hopeful; like if we truly love eachother, and really fight to hold on to our relationship, then everything will be alright. Maybe this is just a bit of box office b.s. to sell tickets for the most recent chick flick, but I'm choosing to believe it.
3 comments:
Sydnie,
I started writing some long and drawn out thing, but what I really wanted to say was that I know exactly how you feel. I would say, slight variances aside, I'm in the exact same place. I wish I could offer some solace about it getting better and that even if you don't always talk and keep up with each other you'll find that your relationships will just fall back into place when you're together again, but to be honest, I don't know that any of that is true. All I can really say is that I find myself in the exact same position as I haven't made any friends since graduating that are in any way comparable to my Barnard girls, and I am no longer friends with one of my two best Barnard girls, and sometimes it is better and less toxic to you to see relationships for what they are right now rather than to hold onto them because of what they once were. But I love you and miss you and am thinking about you.
(oh, and I got your message on fb - I wanted to say that life is okay! I'm working on applications for grad school - joint degree in law and urban planning - and the process is both overwhelming and really exciting at the same time).
The most significant take-away from a mature women....is....being relationship sensitive and savvy! Meaning that the BFF's are discerned and disclosed over time...too many relationships formed (not forged) are described in the BFF category when it is only the BFFTS (Best Friends For The Season) of the lifecycle that you're in! How many folks became BFF's because they both smoked cigarettes or eat the same foods or love the same artist. SO many folks built a whole relationship on those foundational commonalities, however, if that common denominator changes then division can produce an improper fraction or should I say faction!Time reveals the Forever (operative word)ONEs/Friends. Like my sister...(smile) Aunt Weesa
Yes, Auntie. I am learning just that... time does reveal the difference between BFFs and BFFTS. It is a hard lesson to learn but I know that I am thankful for the friends I had at particular times... they were certainly in my life for a reason and there is no regret of what I gave to/for those people, even if it was not reciprocated in the end.
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