Wednesday, November 16, 2016

The Haunt-Mourning-F*ck

October 23, 2016/Morning
Last night the energy was bubbling high. We were just happy to be in a tiny room together. "Marya's cute y'all!" Charmaine hollered out. All eyes on her as she shimmied in her midriff.

We walked out. Single file line. And as we arranged ourselves on the altar listening to the words that beckoned our presence and our power I noticed the overwhelming number of white faces staring back at us. Waiting patiently to see what our next move would be. This is first time I have ever done THIS work - church dancing - in white space.

A video posted by Danspace Project (@danspaceproject) on


I chose my prompt: the haunt.


My first thought: let me look back at all the faces gazing at me. Y'all ain't gon' haunt me before I haunt you. That shit was funny... Because I'm a friendly ghost. I was giving acknowledgement and smiles and waves and was relieved when I could blow kisses to my family who were amongst them. Some of those white faces were actively seeking my acknowledgement and some of those white faces actively avoided catching my eyes. I thought, y'all are fucking privileged to witness us do this work. I almost said it out loud but then I noticed Marguerite and Maria struggling. I ran to Marguerite and placed my hand in hers and I was home again. Forget who is watching... I am here. Present with my self. Present with my sisters, mamas, aunties. And we gon' dance, or not. Sing, or not. Pray, cry, shout, laugh. Laugh. Stomp, clap, leap, roll. Carry the baby. Be a baby. Rest. Play. You're it.

I received so many hugs last night. Real fucking hugs. And it healed me because when was the last time I was just held for hours on end?

We had 2 hours.

When was the last time (was it ever?) that there was permission in performance space (besides the permission I give myself when I convene my own space) to just be and do and make and feel. Where performance space is life space and life space is performance space and we are all convened together in sanctuary. In a sanctuary.

I think Paloma was the last person to convene that space with Dancing While Black and that healed me too. Because whether I realize it or not, these white institutions that I've grown up in and love and respect have still just by the fact of their whiteness assaulted my humanity without knowing or caring and the work that they don't know they have to do to undo that is overwhelming to think about.

And yet I danced in these parallel spaces. The church dancing was always black. And if I never heard one word from the preacher I knew God because I danced. The school dancing taught me tendus, anatomy and alignment, more tools for movement invention - improvised or otherwise. The school dancing and reading and studying also highlighted names who I clung to in my dreams: Katherine Dunham, Pearl Primus, Zora Neale Hurston, Gloria Naylor, Octavia Butler, Alice Walker, Ntozake Shange, Sonia Sanchez, Nikki Giovanni, Dianne McIntyre, Gwendolyn Brooks... I wanted to be them. I wanted to be what they had conjured in their dreams.

I am thankful for my foundation because my Daddy always told me it was so important to know who you are and whose you are - and because that knowledge sits in my gut, my heart, my pores - when it was time for me to start doing this work, those parallel paths intersected in ways I didn't know I should have imagined.

November 10, 2016/Mourning
Good Afternoon Beautiful Ones,

I am writing to you all, folks who are actively a part of the SLMDances community right now, or who I've talked with or checked in with in the past few days, or who I need to check on.

I have been reeling since the wee hours of Tuesday night/morning. Little sleep. Unable to get out of bed after I have made myself lie down. Is this a nightmare? Fits of crying. Cussing. Screaming. Cussing. Doing little to no work. For all my militancy, activism, and movement making over the years, I have never in my life been as angry and impassioned as I am right now about the state of race and gender in this country.

I say this because I know you are probably feeling it too. Seriously, what in the entire fuck?

So first things first, how are you? You can hit me up and let me know, but mostly just tell some body how you are really feeling right now. The only way to get through these feelings is to feel them and we can't do that alone.

Number 2. Despite our collective mourning, the silver lining is that amongst our community especially, we already know what to do because we've been doing the work. Now is the time more than ever, to be grounded in who we be and how we do.

A photo posted by Sydnie Mosley (@sydmosley) on


November 16, 2016/Morning
I noticed the overwhelming number of white faces staring back at us. Waiting patiently to see what our next move would be. 

I'm angry this morning because y'all haunting me -- white people, white ladies especially. Do you know that you are white? Do you know that conceptualizing of yourself in racialized terms is fucking necessary so you can accept your responsibility to change things?

Some of those white faces were actively seeking my acknowledgement and some of those white faces actively avoided catching my eyes.

I don't care that you are scared to talk to your families at Thanksgiving. I don't care that you are shocked and surprised that most of your folks voted for white supremacy above all else. Tell your feelings to your fellow white folks.  I don't care that you think wearing a safety pin is supposed to make me feel better. It doesn't. Do better. I got my folks. Do you have yours?

I thought, y'all are fucking privileged to witness us do this work.

How many times have we told you that we are hurting? How many times have we told you that Black Lives Matter?  How many times have we said there is no such thing as "post-racial" and the election of President Obama alone is not going to change things? How many times have we told you that we need you to amplify our voices? How many times have we showed you our brilliance and magic and yet you still deny our leadership? You don't believe us when we tell you. Do you believe us now?

Because whether I realize it or not these white institutions that I've grown up in and love and respect have still just by the fact of their whiteness assaulted my humanity without knowing or caring and the work that they don't know they have to do to undo that is overwhelming to think about. 

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